Aries – You are always running out of things to say at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish-farming.
• Taurus – A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer
.• Gemini – You walk into the kitchen to do something really important but instead you just eat some chicken and your house explodes during the night.
• Cancer – You will find yourself in a huge handbasket and before the end of the day it will be getting much warmer than you like.
• Leo – Take a look in the mirror and really see yourself as others see you. Not pretty, is it?
• Virgo – You feel hurt and betrayed by a lover on Friday. Remember, success is the best revenge. Failing that, murder comes a close second.
• Libra – An old friend will call today whom you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
• Scorpio – You’ll be happy to know that this week brings you great romance and later, herpes.
• Sagittarius – Turns out that guy you liked isn’t ignoring you … he’s dead. Every silver lining has its cloud.
• Capricorn – You sneeze and pee your pants at the same time on a crowded bus. No one sits next to you ever again.
• Aquarius – You fart in front of your girlfriend on Saturday and blame it on the dog. On Friday, remember to buy a dog.
• Pisces – The planets collide this week and everyone dies. You are the only survivor. Good luck with that!