Aries â€“ You are always running out of things to say at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish-farming.
â€¢ Taurus â€“ A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer
.â€¢ Gemini â€“ You walk into the kitchen to do something really important but instead you just eat some chicken and your house explodes during the night.
â€¢ Cancer â€“ You will find yourself in a huge handbasket and before the end of the day it will be getting much warmer than you like.
â€¢ Leo â€“ Take a look in the mirror and really see yourself as others see you. Not pretty, is it?
â€¢ Virgo â€“ You feel hurt and betrayed by a lover on Friday. Remember, success is the best revenge. Failing that, murder comes a close second.
â€¢ Libra â€“ An old friend will call today whom you havenâ€™t talked to in years. Heâ€™ll remind you that you owe him money.
â€¢ Scorpio â€“ Youâ€™ll be happy to know that this week brings you great romance and later, herpes.
â€¢ Sagittarius â€“ Turns out that guy you liked isnâ€™t ignoring you â€¦ heâ€™s dead. Every silver lining has its cloud.
â€¢ Capricorn â€“ You sneeze and pee your pants at the same time on a crowded bus. No one sits next to you ever again.
â€¢ Aquarius â€“ You fart in front of your girlfriend on Saturday and blame it on the dog. On Friday, remember to buy a dog.
â€¢ Pisces â€“ The planets collide this week and everyone dies. You are the only survivor. Good luck with that!